Why Can't I?
by Raiju
Summary: Yuki's been strangly cruel to Shuichi, causing the boy un-needed problems. Just how far can Shuichi be pushed before he snaps like a twig? (Shounen-ai, Suicide attempts, Language, mentions of Rape and Abuse)
1. I

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Prologue  
  
***  
  
I've chased after him for so long...  
  
I know he really doesn't give two flying rat's asses about me...but still...I can never seem to get him off of my mind. Maybe - okay, I AM over obsessing about him a little too much.  
  
Sometimes you just like someone so much that you want their world to revolve around YOU, like yours revolves around them. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way...  
  
He's got a lot of people in his life - what a mysterious guy. Although I know this, I can't help but want him to make at least a LITTLE space for me. I want to be important to him, like he is to me.  
  
But lately...whenever I DO get an ounce of affection out of him...I don't feel anything.  
  
Whenever he kissed me, touched me, even looked at me...my heart used to skyrocket through the roof...but now...when he does any of those things...I don't feel anything. If he ever said "I Love You", I'd probably change my mind...but...then again...with the way everything's been going...he'll never say that to me, and even if he did...they'd just be words. Like when one of my fans says "I love you", they're just words to me...because I love only Yuki.  
  
Yuki is my world. And lately...my world has been crumbling around me.  
  
Everything is falling apart. He won't even look at me anymore. The last time he hugged me was over a month ago...and...we're losing the connection we once shared. I can feel this as clearly as I can feel hatred.  
  
***  
  
I stood on the corner of his street, soaking in the cold acid rain. I was feeling so miserable right then...  
  
He'd thrown me out again...said it was because I was too noisy. Was I noisy? I haven't really done anything other than SING all week...I haven't even SPOKEN to him...no matter how much I want to, or try to talk with him...I just open my mouth and already I lose my nerve. He turns away and ignores me, locking himself in that makeshift Eden of his - that dark room with only two chairs, a computer and a desk - that's his world. I used to be allowed in there...but not anymore.  
  
I slid down the concrete wall to the sidewalk, letting my soaking wet hair curtain in front of my eyes - the eyes that were welling up with tears from deep down. He's the one that created these tears. This anger and sorrow inside me...it's all Yuki's fault. I know it, but I can't blame him. Everything I do to prove that it's all HIS fault, my heart just refuses to accept, and it blames everything on myself.  
  
Where did these tears really come from? I know Yuki brought them on...but...how long had they been there? Sure, I've made it a point to cry every day...or at least three times a week...but that's just so I don't waste away...however, what scares me is that THESE tears are different from the ones I normally cry.  
  
Each time I come up for a shaky breath of air, another wave of pain shoots through me; like someone had lodged a knife right through an important part of my heart. Did Yuki do that to me?  
  
I know I have to go up there soon, because it's getting dark. I don't look forward to it though, not anymore. He probably hasn't even noticed that I haven't come home yet.  
  
Home? Is that was Yuki's place is to me? It's HOME? No...right now...it's hell. I wish he'd just give up the tough guy act for just ONE MINUTE. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, touch me, and tell me he loves me, like other lovers do to one another. But that's not Yuki. Yuki is different. He's a sheet of ice that I just can't melt on my own. And my persistence at changing him only seem to make him even more cold to me. So, as of late, I've finally given up on making him like me.  
  
Why did this happen?  
  
I just woke up one morning...and something snapped. I didn't love him anymore. I think I finally woke up from my imaginary world. I realized at last that he never loved me, I was just a burden.  
  
Hearing footsteps closing in on me, I drew my knees to my chest, being extra careful to hide my face so nobody would see it as they passed. But that plan failed when the feet stopped close to me and someone put their hands on my shoulders. I looked up.  
  
"Hi...ro?" I choked out softly, looking up slowly. It WAS him. He kneeled in front of me, looking into my eyes with worry. He said nothing, and took me into his arms, half crying, himself. "Hi...ro?" I asked again.  
  
"You had me worried sick!" he whispered over the sound of the rain and thunder, cradling my head against his shoulder. "I went to Yuki's, but when he said you never came home...I panicked. Oh god, you scared me."  
  
"I...I'm sorry." I whimpered, covering my face again by hiding it deeper in his sweatshirt. "I can't...go back...I'm not ready."  
  
"Then come home with me. It'll be okay." he offered.  
  
"I'm...not going anywhere. I wanna stay here. Alone with the rain."  
  
"Shuichi? What's wrong with you? You're never like this..."  
  
"I'm just a burden. I can't do anything right. I'll just keep on screwing up until I can't screw up any longer..."  
  
"Don't talk like that. C'mon, let's go. I don't want you getting sick."  
  
"Hiro! I...I don't wanna!" I pulled my arm back, trying to get it free of his grasp. He stood there, beside me, staring at me and knowing something was different. He sighed, pulling me into his arms again, almost in tears as he gave me the lecture.  
  
"You're not a burden. You're my best friend. I'm not gonna let you keep talking like that. It's not like you. If Yuki's the reason why you're acting like this then you aren't going back there until I straiten that bastard out. Don't you DARE think of yourself the way you are. You understand, Shuichi?"  
  
"I...Hiro...I..." I couldn't hold my body up any longer, and collapsed right into him, crying my heart out until I fell unconscious.  
  
***  
  
I woke up in Hiroshi's bed again, in his clothes. Sitting up as quickly as my spine would allow, I instantly felt the full bunt of my emotional breakdown: A splitting migraine, followed by dizziness.  
  
Ignoring both feelings for the moment, I felt around blindly, inside, for that dagger...was it still there in my chest? Yes...but pretty faintly.  
  
"That was quick. You alright, Shu?"  
  
"Hn?" I raked a hand through my hair, looking up to find the brunette in the doorway. His image was so blurry...I almost couldn't tell it was him. "I...I'm okay." I lied, falling back onto the pillows in pain. My head hurt like hell, and my heart hurt even more than THAT.  
  
"God damn it, what'd that guy DO to you?" Nakano raced to the bedside, resting a hand over one of mine that was covering my ears.  
  
I looked up at him, tears falling down my face again. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault..."  
  
"What's your fault?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	2. II

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 1  
  
***  
  
Hiro never said anything to that comment. He just sat there, staring at me, almost in tears, his hand resting on mine for hours.  
  
Did he know? Did he know just how much everything inside of me hurt?  
  
Nakano sees right through me. He always has, always will. He knows me better than anyone else - including my parents.  
  
***  
  
I stayed there, at Hiro's house, for two weeks. In those two weeks, I didn't have any contact with Yuki at all. I saw him once, in the music store, but my nerves got the best of me and I turned and walked away before he could see me. Every time I think about him, that pain in my chest stabs harder and harder into me, driving me to a breakdown. Sometimes I wonder, what it's really like...  
  
Since that day, I was found on the street corner, I haven't been the same. I've thought over and over about it...suicide...cutting...but I actually don't have enough courage to do it.  
  
I lay back in the tub, razor on the side of it, hidden under the conditioner that only I use. I haven't gotten depressed enough to use it yet, and I'm actually afraid to start the cutting. I don't really understand why people do it, but everyone says it helps them forget. Everything they want to forget...they...forget. However...some things...I don't want to forget...the one time I tried it...back when I was only, like, eleven or so years old, I cried for days because it hurt. My skin just wasn't used to it. Surprisingly, I've grown up a little bit since then. But I still can't cut myself...because I don't see the point in it if it's only going to bring me pain.  
  
"Shuichi? Where ya goin'?" my best friend thinks that I'm really whacked...well...right now anyway. He blinked dumbly as I brushed past him, stopping in front of the front door.  
  
"I wanna give it a shot." I mumbled, reaching shakily for the knob.  
  
"Are you sure about that? The way he made you break down...are you sure you still wanna see him?"  
  
"I am." I cleared my throat softly, disappearing through the doorway.  
  
***  
  
I walked slowly from the building, down the side streets where very little traffic was, toward Yuki's. I really didn't wanna go back, but I knew that running away wasn't the answer. It never is, with me.  
  
My head hung down, eyes covered by dyed locks.  
  
Yeah...that's right...he's hates me. After that short yelling at...he slammed the door right in my face. I stood there for at least ten minutes replaying the scene over and over in my head before I took off in tears.  
  
"Is it really over between us? Do you really feel that way about me, now? What'd I do? I mean, sure, I'm not perfect...but I sure as hell TRY. Why don't...no...why can't you accept me? No - wait - you never loved me in the first place...yeah...I see." I mumbled, treading up his street. When my head finally came up, I stopped walking, seeing his sister's car and his brother's motorcycle parked outside the entrance. It probably wasn't a good idea to go in now...but...if I didn't, I'd end up running away from him again...  
  
Reluctantly, I stepped forward, and then another step. Straitening out the hooded sweatshirt with my hands, and fixing my hair to look a little better, I walked slowly to his door, staring at it again for a long time. For awhile, I don't hear anything...only something that sounds like a series of whispers, then everything went silent. my brain screamed, telling my fingers to press the doorbell. I obeyed, stepping back and wanting so badly to turn and run, but I couldn't run away. No.  
  
I stood there, shaking a little as I heard a pair of footsteps. But it wasn't Yuki that answered...no...Tatsuha answered, appearing as though someone had DIED.  
  
"I...is...is Yuki home?" I asked, my voice sounding broken.  
  
"He doesn't want to see you."  
  
"Please...I...I'll just be a second! Please! I just have to talk to him!"  
  
"The answer is still 'No'."  
  
"Who is it?" Miaka poked her head out from the side of the wall, apparently they're all in the living room. "Oh. You." She frowned, glaring daggers at me. "Get outta here, before I call the police." she ordered.  
  
"WHY?! What have I done to deserve this?! Answer me!" I fought against Tatsuha before he shoved be back, hard. I stumbled a little before getting back my balance and trying again. "Why can't I see him? I wanna see Yuki and I won't let you get in my w-"  
  
"TATSUHA!"  
  
I know that voice...it was...Yuki...but...  
  
The monk let me pass at last, and I dashed into the living room as fast as I could, only able to stand there in utter confusion.  
  
Yuki was breaking up, falling apart at the seams, right before my very eyes.  
  
"Yuki...?" I stood there, paralyzed, watching his tears fall so freely...I'd never even realized the man could SHOW real emotion like he was...I mean...I've seen him cry before...a few times...but NEVER like this...  
  
His sister sat beside him, just touching his nearest shoulder, and giving me a 'You come one step closer and I'll gut ya, with a rusty spoon' look. Tatsuha wasn't much different...but he rather seemed to be unsure of what to say or do. I had to ignore them though; no matter how hard it was.  
  
But...I had no idea what was wrong...what had I done to deserve such LOOKS and HATRED from those two? Had I done something to him? What could I POSSIBLY do? HE'S the one that slammed the door in my face, after all.  
  
When I came to reality again, my face was soaking with my own tears, and I was walking toward him, ignoring the two that were trying to hold me back. It was funny, the more I ignored them, the stronger I was.  
  
I made it to the front of the man, falling to my knees in front of him and looking up, unable to see his eyes, which were covered by his hand. "Yuki?" I repeated, reaching a hand up timidly. Since he didn't reach up and stop me, I kept going; tangling my fingers in his soft blonde hair. My other hand was resting on his out of sympathy.  
  
"Listen...whatev-"  
  
"I hate you." he interrupted, looking up at me finally. "I never want to see you again. I told you never to come back, or weren't you listening?" the hatred in those eyes...enough to break me in half.  
  
What...what did I...? I looked at him strangely - a mix of shock, anger, sorrow and betrayal...I really had no idea what to think or say to him...I'm sorry? My head fell again, my eyes landing on one of his wrists and seeing it - a long line where blood had once run.  
  
"What...happened...?" I choked on the words, sliding back for some reason, unknown to me. My heart was racing, my mind and heart conflicting with each other inside. One was telling me to get closer, and the other was crying out for me to get away from the situation.  
  
I knew exactly what had happened. EXACTLY what he did, and I was afraid to do.  
  
I suddenly felt the air around him become tense and cold to me...and I knew it was time to go. I stood quietly, watching him for a moment. "I can't." my voice forced itself out as tears began to well-up in my eyes. "I can't!" I turned and ran, hoping somebody would call me from behind, but I didn't look back. Even as I slammed the door and ran from the building, I didn't look back. I couldn't believe it. No. Yuki wasn't that weak. He can't POSSIBLY be that weak.  
  
I ran for so long...  
  
I remember passing Hiro's house, then my parent's place...but I still kept going...still without any idea where I was heading toward. No, I knew where I was heading toward...I was running from my only love...  
  
...toward oblivion.  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	3. III

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 2  
  
***  
  
My legs have never hurt this much...  
  
My arms have never felt this worn...  
  
My heart has never sped this fast...  
  
My head has never pounded this hard...  
  
All of this because of him? All of this because I was running away from HIM?  
  
I found myself at the Oceanside, MILES and MILES away from anything I could recognize. I was lost...both geographically, and emotionally. My heart was in a tizzy.  
  
The ocean looked so calm this afternoon, and the darkening sun setting on the horizon of it only made the picture more serene. I fell to the cement, dangling my feet over the edge and watching the sun set, thinking deeply about what I'd seen and done all within a matter of a single day.  
  
I randomly looked up, hearing the faint whimper of an animal close by. A black German shepherd stood in the alleyway close to me, whimpering from, what sounded like, hunger. I reached into my sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a few sticks of pocky that I'd forgotten to eat. I held it out, smiling the best I could and clicking my tongue until the dog trotted closer to me. She looked up at me, then sniffed the food, instantly grateful, and eating it as fast as he could.  
  
"Sorry, that's all I have."  
  
She looked up at me with large brown eyes, clouded over with pain and suffering, but now with new light. Like a new ray of hope. She was so thin, so underfed and uncared for...must've been abandoned.  
  
My attention went back to the water in front of me, so calmly just sitting there... both me and his total stranger, basking in the glow of the twilight sun.  
  
"Should I try to go back...? Even if I WENT back...I'd only be hurt more...I don't wanna see him so angry...but...I wanna be there for him...what should I DO?"  
  
***  
  
The loud blaring of a ship's horn woke me the next morning...while it was still dark. I sat up slowly, looking around. Still at the dock, the same dog laying beside me with his head up either due to the fact that I was up, or that the horn had woken him up as well. "I must've nodded off..." I looked down at my watch.  
  
"1:52 am...damn. Well...guess I might as well get going..." I sighed heavily, standing and dusting myself off. I started to walk away from the docks, toward the alleyway. The dark was so cold...especially at night, in the middle of autumn.  
  
I looked around when almost out of the darkness, seeing absolutely NOTHING familiar. I'm lost...oh shit...I'm lost...! "Where AM I?" I mumbled, stepping out into the street.  
  
"Lost, kid?"  
  
The intruding voice made me jump with surprise, before I spun around. Three or four people were standing in the alleyway a little ways from where I'd just come from. I backed up a step.  
  
"N...no." I blurted out, taking another step back. I turned, breaking into a speedy walk, but one of the shadows was quicker than I and grabbed me by the wrist. "Ah! Let go! It hurts! Let go!" I yelped, trying to twist my arm out of the figure's grip. They let go almost immediately, just standing there.  
  
From the dim light, I could make out a man, around 5'11", heavyset, bald with black eyes, staring down at me. And I was only a mere KID. His face was hard to see, but he looked at me in a way I really didn't like...  
  
Me, being the dimwit I was, stood there holding my wrist and hissing in pain softly, watching his movements carefully. I stepped backward when he advanced, our steps slowly becoming quicker until I'd run myself into another alley. A dark one. With another guy that looked like he was gonna hurt me.  
  
The other three of the group stood in the only opening to the alley, kind of covering it and watching as he started wrestling me to the ground, knocking over a trashcan in the process.  
  
I felt as though I was going to be sick when my front hit the ground and my arms were held behind me. Taking advantage of my clouded thoughts, that contact with the pavement had caused, he bound my arms with his belt, rendering me almost completely helpless.  
  
I shook my head, trying to get it to function again, regretting that I had. The moment my senses came back, I was wailing in agony, my organs being pushed up to my throat and my spine burning with pain. Oh god he hurt.  
  
My vision blurred as the new intense heat shot through my frame, to my brain, and back again, taking with it every sense it could. Suddenly, I remember looking up just as this huge shadow took down the man on top of me. I heard barking and snarling, followed by screams and the scurrying of feet, just before everything became unbearably black. My last thought being of my rescuer...was it that shepherd from before?  
  
***  
  
I woke to whispering and something warm caressing my face. I could hear a little, and barely see. However, I could smell perfectly fine...I could smell cologne...the same one that Yuki always had on.  
  
"Yu...ki...?" my voice didn't come out at all. It was shot, probably beyond repair at this rate.  
  
Why was this all happening to me? Why did everything bad always happen to involve ME?  
  
"Take it easy. You're in no condition to even be talking. Just relax. I'm not going to hurt you." a soft voice explained as a warm hand combed gently through my hair. It was a man holding me. He had such a kind voice...I automatically trusted him...after all...he WAS taking care of me...right?  
  
By the time any sight had returned to me, I was already nodding off again. The man holding, although I wished it was, was not Yuki...nor anyone else I knew.  
  
"Am I dead...?"  
  
"No, you're very much alive, kid. Just take it easy though."  
  
I should've known though, just as I started to regain myself back, I drifted into another exhausted rest.  
  
***  
  
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Mariah (Momo) which passed away while I was working on this chapter. Come to think of it...it wasn't just a coincidence I put the BLACK GERMAN SHEPHERD in here...hehe, yup, Momo's famous. Thank you all for being so damn patient...between losing another dog, and my own social problems, I really can't seem to concentrate...but I'll try my very best to make up for it. ^_^  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	4. IV

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 3  
  
***  
  
A black haired beauty...he didn't even seem to be human...  
  
This strange man stayed with me until I awoke, and finally got to WAKE up. His hands were so warm against my cold skin, and his aura so welcoming. I couldn't HELP but instantly trust him.  
  
I blinked quickly, struggling to adjust my eyes to the new light of day, seeping in through the windows next to me. I tried sitting up, finding that THAT hurt more than laying down. I probably wouldn't be able to move for awhile...  
  
"I already told you, a number of times, not to move. Yeesh. Persistent, aren't we?" The stranger smiled when I turned to him, holding out a hand. "The name's Kenra."  
  
I took his hand and shook it to the best of my ability. "Shindou. Shindou Shuichi."  
  
"I thought you looked familiar under all that dirt." he joked, trying not to laugh. I smiled, but my heart just wasn't there. My heart was wandering another path, and I just couldn't find it. "Hmm...well...I highly doubt it, but...you hungry or something? You didn't feel like you'd eaten anything in awhile."  
  
"No. I-I'm fine...not too sure it'd stay down, is all." I looked around slowly, taking in the room. It was really bright, the walls, the curtains and even the bedspread were white. Really white. The only color seeming to be the carpet - which was a darker blue-ish purple - the kind they use in schools and such. "You...live here alone?"  
  
"Nope." he stood up, closing the curtains a little, probably noticing how much trouble I was having with the brightness. "Still live with my dad. He's the one that found you. And uhh...that dog that was with you...was it yours?"  
  
"Dog?"  
  
"Yeah. Black German shepherd. She led my dad to you. Well...or so he claims. We brought her back here too. Poor thing looked like she was starving."  
  
"No...it's not my dog...if anything it probably adopted ME." I had to smile. It was so rare I talked to anyone so freely like this. Sure, I could talk to reporters, and THOSE are total strangers, but that's just an act. There, with Kenra, I didn't put on a mask. And I liked talking to him like that.  
  
"That's pretty rare you know." he put his hands on his hips, leaning against the wall. "Usually dogs don't do stuff like that...well...not any I'VE seen."  
  
"It's a stray. So, yeah, I guess that IS weird." all this conversation about a dog...man, we were really bored.  
  
"I always wanted a dog...dad said as long as this one wasn't owned...I could have it. Sure it's not your dog?"  
  
"Yeah." I nodded, feeling better inside. I'd just found the poor animal a home. The dog that saved my life, had now been given someone it could always love and never have to leave.  
  
A few minutes of silence passed between us, then Kenra stood back up strait and moved to the door. "Try to get some more rest, okay? I'll be back to check up on you a little later...if ya need anything, just holler."  
  
"Thank you." I nodded, watching him close the door and disappear.  
  
The second that door clicked shut, I burst into tears, holding my pounding head and sobbing as fast as I could. I had to get this pain out. The pain in my chest hurt so bad and it had to be stopped, so I resorted to tears.  
  
All of this because of him? Am I pathetic or what?  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Yuki...Yuki...what's wrong? Yuki!"  
  
"Get the hell AWAY from me!"  
  
"Yuki! What'd I do? What's wrong?"  
  
"Get out of my FACE Shuichi!"  
  
"Wha-why?"  
  
"Just DO it! I hate you! Leave me alone, god DAMN IT!"  
  
Those words hurt. I stepped backward, staring at him in disbelief. Unsure of what to think or make of the situation.  
  
"What...did...I do? Why do you hate me?" My eyes were filling with tears again, which I was struggling to hold down. "WHY?! What'd I do wrong THIS time?! Huh?! I always do something wrong with you! No matter HOW petty it IS! What the hell did I do THIS time?! Huh?! Answer me Yuki! I deserve an answer!" Everything inside of me was snapping. Any restraint I'd forged on myself not to hurt him, not to annoy him - they'd all snapped. I was free.  
  
He laughed, turning around and disappearing into the darkness.  
  
"YUKI! YUKI! PLEASE! I...YUKI COME BACK!!!!!!" I wanted to run after him, but that same cold feeling from before washed over me. I couldn't move. "Please...come back...I don't want you to hate me...please..."  
  
*~*~*  
  
I was screaming Yuki's name, while Kenra and an older man shook me awake. When I actually came to, the two were staring at me in worry. Embarrassed, I wiped my eyes, looking at the blankets.  
  
"Shuichi? You all right?" Kenra finally said at last, his hand still on my shoulder. I nodded to satisfy him, thinking about the dream. The older man looked at me, sighing and resting his hand on the other's.  
  
"Care to tell us what's bothering you? I know you don't know us that well, but we're more than willing to listen. If you're willing to talk that is."  
  
I looked up at him, questioning if I should take up the offer. I recognized him...this was the man from before...the first time I woke up HE was holding me, not Kenra.  
  
He looked to be in his late sixties, with a white beard and mustache, and little hair on top. A little too shiny, if you ask me, though.  
  
I had to look away. Their faces were too kind to say 'no' to. Everything in me wanted them to help too...but...my voice wasn't doing anything. I forced it over and over, opening my mouth to speak, but it just didn't want to cooperate.  
  
"You...sure you'll listen?" what kind of question was THAT?! GOD, I can be stupid sometimes...but I think THAT took the cake.  
  
***  
  
A/N: I know I take a long time...umm...I also know there was something I wanted SPECIFICALLY to put here...but...I can't remember what...crap! *cries* oh yeah...because I REALLY could use something to boost my self- esteem, and reviews seem to do that, I can't make another chapter until I hit 25 to 30 reviews...so...please, tell your friends to read and review too...I really never get that many, but right now I could use some to boost my confidence...since this story is loosing my interest as well...umm...I love you! Really, everyone that reviewed so far, thank you SO much! You have NO idea how much it means to me! But I'm greedy and want more...love ya!  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	5. V

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 4  
  
***  
  
I felt like a total loser, spilling out my guts to these two men. But after most of the story and truth had escaped my lips, the tears had ceased, only to be replaced with relief.  
  
"I think I'm just being too selfish...but...he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He wouldn't tell me what I'd done, IF I'd done anything. I like to keep telling myself that it's not ME he's mad at...but rather...somebody else."  
  
"He really crushed you then...you're eyes are so dark, your words so sad and your tone even more heart-wrenching. Shuichi...I don't know what to say..." Kenra, himself, looked like he was going to cry. This made me feel terrible, I hated making people feel bad, especially about me or for me. "I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It hurts, a LOT, I know."  
  
"There was something else too...the reason why I ran away..." I paused, looking down at the carpet where 'man's best friend' lay. "I saw a mark on him...like he'd...you know..." A sigh found its way out, heavy and noticeable. "I think he even tried suicide...it looked like he had...I saw it so fast that I didn't really get a chance to study it at all...but I saw...all I needed to see...because no matter HOW short of a time span I looked at that wound, my heart still would have broken."  
  
"Has he ever done anything like this in the past?" The old man finally spoke up, his voice soft and calming, much like the other's.  
  
"No. Not that I know of. I've only been with him for a year..."  
  
"A year isn't enough time, kid."  
  
"Maybe you're right...but," The dark haired boy looked my way, "Yuki Eiri...doesn't seem like the kind of person to give into the temptation of hurting himself. From what you've said...he's nothing but calm and collected around you."  
  
"Yeah." I nodded, laying back down onto the bed.  
  
*** ((Skipping until the next morning)) ***  
  
I stumbled down the stairs, grasping the railing as tightly as I could. My entire body was throbbing in agony, but I felt the need to get out of those four walls, no matter what it took.  
  
"Oh my god! Shuichi! You shouldn't be up!" Kenra was immediately at my side, like I was an old and feeble man without my wheelchair.  
  
The lack of energy, which was rare for me, wasn't helping, and the guy only jinxed me by saying what he did, because sure enough, I fell flat onto my face. I was just far too weak to be up, even if it drove me insane, I wanted to get out of that room.  
  
He sighed, carefully picking me up and hoisting me into a comfortable position, resting my head on his shoulder and my arm around his neck. With ease, he carried me over to the couch in the living room, setting me down on it.  
  
"I take it you just wanted to be out of there?"  
  
"Yeah...but...I don't wanna be in the way..." I grumbled, looking away.  
  
"You're not." His smile was just too reassuring and calmed me almost immediately. "I had to speak with you anyway..." He sat on the carpet, resting his elbows on the couch, close to my own. "My grandfather isn't feeling too well today...so I have to do this myself...and...I need your consent."  
  
"Go on." I was actually fearing whatever he was about to say. Something deep inside was screaming at me to avoid the conversation altogether, but part of me also wanted to know what it was about.  
  
"Your face is all over the news...and the cops are out looking for you..."  
  
"What the F**K?!" That was GREAT news. JUST what the SUICIDAL RUNAWAY wanted to hear! Kenra stayed pretty calm, grabbing my closest hand as I tried to get up.  
  
"Hey, listen, don't get worked up just yet. Wait till I finish, okay?"  
  
I laid back down, my ears ringing. I didn't want to hear any more, I didn't NEED to.  
  
"Yuki Eiri isn't the one looking for you...it seems that a few CELEBRITIES are...several employees of NG. Including that guy you were talking about before, Nakano Hiroshi?"  
  
"Hiro's looking for me?"  
  
"Uh-huh. And the search is spreading downward toward this area...they'll probably be here around 3 or 3:30-ish this afternoon. I just need to know if...you're ready for it...?"  
  
I thought pretty hard about that question. I wanted to see Hiro again, and everyone else. Even K was beginning to cross my mind. He'd probably KILL me for missing that concert. Oh well, I couldn't fix the past, so why try?  
  
"I'm ready to go NOW." I mumbled, looking at the telephone by my feet on the table. "Call the police. I'm as ready as I'll ever be." There. The decision was made. Now if only I could face the rest of my problems like I'd said those seven words.  
  
***  
  
A/N: ARG! I'm SOOOO sorry that it took so long to update! I've been getting bored...and I wanna torture Shuichi-kun some more! *pouts* but rabid fangirls relax, obviously I'm not gonna kill him...well...HOPEFULLY I won't. Love you all and thank you to those that have and will review! *hugs*  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	6. VI

Why Can't I ?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 5  
  
***  
  
I'd heard Kenra make the call, and heard him hang up the phone. He turned to me, nervous features wearing into his face. He started saying something, but I could hear his words, like I was deaf. I pretended that he wasn't even speaking, laying back into the couch and focusing on the unmoving blades of the fan overhead.  
  
I felt exhausted for some reason, and really hungry, but I wasn't about to let that guy go through all of the trouble of waiting on me. I hated when people served me something, especially when I was clearly capable of doing it myself.  
  
Between that moment, and when I woke again, I'd been moved back into the bedroom. Apparently I'd fallen asleep too, since I wasn't totally WITH it when I was carried. The second I could clearly see, my eyes were blinded with tears and Hiro's blurry figure above me.  
  
"Shu-"  
  
"HIRO!" I yelped, wrapping my arms as tightly as I could around him. I had never missed him this much, but if I missed him . . . wouldn't I have known it earlier? It didn't matter; he was finally back in reach. "Hiro I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I left!" I sobbed, too glad to see him. It'd only been no more than maybe a few days, but it felt like years.  
  
"Relax. Relax! Shuichi . . . it's okay, calm yourself, sheesh." He smiled sympathetically, wiping the tears from my face. "Lets go back. I promise that everything will be okay."  
  
"I . . . " I looked away. Hiro didn't know. He had no idea why I ran away in the first place. "You don't understand . . . "  
  
"What happened at Yuki's?"  
  
"Mmm . . . yeah."  
  
"What happened Shuichi?"  
  
"Yuki . . . he . . . he cut himself . . . and . . . and . . . it . . . it looked like he tried . . . tried suicide . . . but . . . I . . . I don't know why . . . and . . . I wanna help him . . . but he won't even . . . even let me near him! Hiro, what can I DO?!" I whispered between sobs, falling into his protective embrace once again.  
  
"THAT'S why . . . I see now . . . " he held me tight, both of us pausing our words when Kenra magically appeared in the doorway as if on cue.  
  
"I'm going with you. He's not gonna get away with hurting Shuichi like he did."  
  
"That's perfect. I might need you to hold me back." My friend growled, stroking the top of my head like a mother would to comfort a child.  
  
"Hiro . . . no . . . don't hurt him . . . PLEASE don't hurt Yuki . . . !"  
  
"After what he did to you, he'll be lucky if that's all I do."  
  
"HIRO! NO!"  
  
"Take it easy. Shuichi, it's gonna be okay. I promise it will. Please just take it easy for now. I don't want you to worry. If you don't want me to hurt him, then I won't. Relax."  
  
"Thank you . . . " he leaned over and kissed me lightly, right there, right in front of an audience! Ooh boy, you can bet I went red. He'd never done that before, but I wasn't complaining, trust me!  
  
Kenra seemed to back up a few steps after that action, almost as if he were jealous or hurt. I didn't think anything of it until I saw him leave. When he turned, I saw the tears fall to the carpet and knew just what had gone on in his mind. I felt awful, but great at the same time. Hiro had just brought up my spirits, but Kenra was suffering. I didn't want him to hurt, not because of me.  
  
Hiro stayed with me until later that night, possibly around midnight, before I dressed myself and followed him into the kitchen where my newest friend was waiting. The expression on Kenra's face kinda hurt me, since I knew very well what he was thinking  
  
"Kenra, I-" he didn't so much as look at me before going strait outside to the back.  
  
"Taking the BMW. It's the fastest car we've got." He mumbled. Hiro slid in the front passenger seat and I got in the back seat. The second we were on the freeway, I put a hand on Kenra's opposite shoulder, where Hiro couldn't see, and leaned close, kissing him on the temple softly. He smiled at the gesture, but that was it.  
  
"Left lane, off exit 74." Nakano sighed, resting his chin in his palm and looking out the window nonchalantly.  
  
"Gotchya." The black-haired beauty seemed to be in better spirits now . . . I hoped that he'd stay that way.  
  
"No telling WHAT that guy is up to at this hour . . . I wonder if we should give him a rude awakening?"  
  
"HIRO! No . . . !" I grumbled, pouting like a two year old.  
  
The two in the front seat chuckled softly. I knew JUST what they were planning, and I was never going to hear the end of it.  
  
"Up this street here." Hiro pointed up the long, winding road that led to the complex Yuki lived in. My heart began to thud so fast it sounded like a humming bird's wings. I didn't know what to think at this point. My head was racing faster than my heart, thoughts bombarding each other and overlapping, all focused on one goal: help Yuki Eiri.  
  
The BMW stopped and Nakano and Kenra got out. When I started to lift up the seat, in order to get out, myself, Hiro stopped me.  
  
"You stay here. We won't be long." He ordered. His eyes gleamed with a strange light, something I had NEVER seen before.  
  
I watched them leave the car, and walk to the door, without even a whimper of protest. Inside the dark interior, I could almost hear the voices inside my heart crying. And before I knew it, I was joining them.  
  
--- *Changing Perspectives * ---  
  
Nakano produced a key from his pocket; the same key 'borrowed unknowingly' from Shuichi, and unlocked the door. The two boys slipped inside quietly, glancing around. Everything was quiet and dark.  
  
"He must be sleeping . . . " Kenra whispered, peering into the living room. Tatsuha lay crunched into a ball on the couch, sleeping like a baby.  
  
Without a word, Hiro moved down the hallway, closing in the blonde's room. Oddly enough, the door was open.  
  
*THWAP!*  
  
***  
  
Game Over?  
  
Continue? 


	7. VII

Why Can't I?  
  
***  
  
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]  
  
***  
  
Track 6  
  
***  
  
"Wake up you fuckin' ingrate!" Hiro roared, slapping Yuki awake again. The blonde woke with a start, glaring at Nakano with fire in his eyes.  
  
"What the hell do you want?!"  
  
"I WANT you to tell us why the fuck you're being such a friggin' ASSHOLE! And THIS...!" the brunette's hand thrust forward, grabbing Yuki's and pushing up the sleeve to reveal a number of deep cut marks and bandaging covering most of his wrist. "Tell me why the hell you're doing THIS!?" he pointed to the cuts to make his point.  
  
"Let go of me." Yuki tore his arm back, wincing at the sudden pain as one of the cuts was gently bumped. "If you wanna talk, wait till NORMAL hours. Now scram before I call the police." The writer fell beck onto the bed, literally, pulling the blankets over his head.  
  
"We're not leaving until we get answers!" Kenra jumped in, literally, right on top of Yuki and tackled him to the carpet. He growled, trying to hide odd tears of anger. "You hurt Shuichi and I won't allow it! Answers! NOW, GOD DAMN IT! You can sleep later!"  
  
"What's all the commo- HOLY!" Tatsuha somewhat froze in the doorway, seeing Yuki pinned under a boy younger than even Shuichi, and Hiro not too far from them. "Yuki! You can't go that young!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up. And you get off." He lifted his knees and kicked Kenra off, into the wall. The teenager lay still for a moment, tremors taking over his body after the man had stood and moved toward him. "You've got some guts doing this to me in the middle of the night. Who do you punks think you are?"  
  
"We just want answers and we want Shuichi to stop going downhill. You put him on such a downward slope it isn't funny. And YOU'RE gonna be the one to bring him out of it."  
  
The blonde sighed angrily, walking to the doorway as Tatsuha shifted over. "Come on. Let's get this over with." He mumbled, leaving the three teenagers in the dark bedroom. Tatsuha's eyes wandered from Hiro to Kenra, then back to Hiro.  
  
"I won't even bother asking." He whispered, following his brother into the living room.  
  
*** (We'll give them ten minutes together) ***  
  
"Why? Why wouldn't you just tell him what was wrong instead of resorting to friggin' suicide attempts?! You're pathetic!" Kenra had to hold Hiro down before the musician got any closer. He very well could have ripped the man's head off with the intensity of his anger.  
  
"Becau-" the monk was silenced by Yuki's hand, held out in front of him much like a general does with his troops.  
  
"Because the boy wouldn't understand."  
  
"You know what? You're so full of shit your eyes are brown." The teenager sighed, letting Hiro go and walking strait out the door, returning with Shuichi's hand in his. "He's all yours." He led the boy into the living room and let him go as he wandered close to the blonde.  
  
The two stared at each other for a long time, Shuichi finally crumbling to the floor, eyes never leaving Yuki's.  
  
"Yuki..."  
  
The man lifted his arm, resting his hand on the opposite shoulder and rushing up his sleeves to show each and every mark that he'd made. Crosses, plain lines, dotted lines, dashes...they were all there...so many cuts he couldn't count. The musician's fists tightened, reaching out and grasping the arm tightly and pulling it close to him.  
  
"Why...? Did I do this to you? Please...don't do this...please...! What made you so angry at me?"  
  
"..." Yuki didn't answer, just looked into the younger male's eyes as if trying to tell him THAT way. 'I'm testing you. Now get the next question right.' He looked away, grabbing a mechanical pencil with a metal tip and stabbing it into his arm. The room went silent after a wave of gasps; Shuichi tugged the pencil from the man's hand, grabbing the new wound tightly.  
  
"Stop it! YUKI! STOP!" He threw his free arm around the blonde's shoulders, holding him as tightly as he could.  
  
Yuki seemed completely emotionless to the hold, almost as if it weren't even happening.  
  
"Please, tell me what's wrong! I want to know! I want to help! Yuki!" the pink-haired musician whispered over and over, body beginning to tremble visibly. "YUKI...!" his knees gave in, his hand sliding down to cling to the man's open shirt.  
  
Kenra couldn't control himself, he wanted to badly to comfort the boy, and maybe even more than Hiro, however, both of them were well aware that this wasn't the time to do anything. He clenched a fist and stood, taking Hiro's hand and leading him over to Tatsuha, taking the teenager's hand and leading the three of them outside.  
  
"What's this for?" Tatsuha's eyebrows rose as he took his hand back from Kenra.  
  
"Just trust me, I can see it in their eyes. Just give them a little time alone." Kenra smiled, leaning against the wall.  
  
"Tatsuha...what's wrong with him...?" Nakano whispered, making sure that only the three outside could hear him.  
  
The closed his eyes, leaned back against the wall next to Kenra, and smiled innocently. Lifting a finger to his lips, he looked directly into Hiro's eyes.  
  
"It's a secret."  
  
*** (Back to Shuichi and Yuki) ***  
  
Yuki was giving him the silent treatment, looking away as the boy's tears soaked his hand.  
  
"Yuki..." his heart was wrenching, "Yuki, please talk to me! Scream at me! Hit me if you want! Tell me how pathetic I am! Tell me how hopeless I am! PLEASE! At least say SOMETHING!"  
  
"Congratulations."  
  
"Wha-what?" his eyes widened as he stared at the older man, tears pausing and body freezing.  
  
"Congratulations. You passed."  
  
"Passed? Passed what?"  
  
"This was all a test. Just to see how faithful you'd be. I had to know that I could trust you."  
  
"That's IT?! UGH!" Shuichi stood up, letting go of the man's wound and using the clean hand to slap him across the face. "You jerk!" He started to laugh insanely, kissing the man's forehead gently and wandering to the bathroom.  
  
*** (Outside) ***  
  
"I wonder how it went...?" no sooner than Hiro say those words, did Shuichi open the door, close it and lean back on it. He leaned his head down, starting to laugh maniacally.  
  
"Shuichi?" Kenra and Hiro asked at the same time.  
  
"Tatsuha..." the musician began, looking at the floor. "I hate you." He laughed, a smile covering his face. "Thanks so much. I think I deserved something like that..."  
  
"What?" Kenra jumped up, staring at the boy in disbelief.  
  
"It was all a test. And I passed. Damn those two for making it so difficult." He laughed at himself, wiping his tears away.  
  
"So everything the three of us just went through...was for NOTHING?" Hiro groaned.  
  
"Basically."  
  
***  
  
GAME OVER.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Well yeah, that's the end. To live this kinda thing out in the real world was scary as hell, so I hope Shuichi was emotional enough...I think so, because he was as emotional as I was...hope you enjoyed! Trust me, I'll probably be writing another Gravitation fic soon too...just gotta watch it again for the 900th time. *Giggles* Please review! 


End file.
